It’s been quite a while since I updated the website but that means I have plenty to write about.
The biggest thing that has happened to me since the last update was a new venture I found myself diving into … one I never imagined I would do. I was so unbelievably afraid when I did it but I was comforted by the thought of having supportive friends by my side.
I can proudly say I have been blessed in this venture. There is no doubt in my mind that Christ has favored me. His glory goes before me and it shines in everything I do. But part of me still feels devastatingly sad; while I started my new job with close friends, it has become more and more obvious that these friends are not who I believed them to be.
I used to wonder how on earth someone who is constantly surrounded by people and loved and cherished and appreciated by everyone, could ever feel lonely. I have learned now that it’s very easy to feel that way.
But in my loneliness, I feel a warmth I cannot explain.
I have spent a lot of time wondering why, what if, and how …. to no avail. For what seemed like a long time, I felt a crushing pain in my heart. I watched as I drifted away from the people I’d depended on so much and it hurt more than I could bear because I realized that Christ was the only one I had. It wasn’t until I learned that Christ was all I needed that this sadness began to lift.
There were so many nights where Jesus was the only one who kept me. So many days where Christ’s love got me out of bed. I felt torn that the people I had loved and trusted and depended on were no longer there for me. But I felt even worse because I was still successful without them. I didn’t need those people, I never did, but I wanted them in my life and I wanted them to be part of my success. I wanted everyone to be successful together but it didn’t happen that way. While I’m eternally grateful for the hand of God moving in my life, I couldn’t ignore the aching in my spirit.
Beyond that … I felt betrayed. By my friends and by God. Wondering, why would they leave me? Why would they exclude me? Why would God let this happen?
When I needed help, no one was there. When I was afraid, no one was there. When I was defeated, no one was there.
In confusion, I searched desperately for comfort and support from everyone—from anyone. And I did find it in some people but it was never enough until I realized I was really searching for Jesus. Once I truly gripped the understanding that Christ alone was all I had and all I needed, I began to feel better.
My thought that no one was there for me became the thought that Jesus is right beside me. The thought of being so lonely became a thought that my comfort was in Christ. The fear of failing became success in the Lord. And the sadness of missing my friends became a joy that I could call Christ above my one and only.
This scripture helped me get through many dark days:
“My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defense; I shall not be moved.” Psalm 62:5-6 KJV
There were many times I felt hurt that no one was there for me but then I look back and wonder who would have gotten the glory if someone had been there? Would I be this close to my Savior if I’d had a friend back then? No, I don’t think I would be. But now that I am wholly and completely dependent on Christ, I am full and I will never hunger for the comfort, support, acquaintance, or approval of others.
Never be afraid to stand alone because when no one else is there, Christ shows up. Please don’t learn this the hard way.